DEAR DIARY | I NEVER HAD SELF-CONFIDENCE

By Iqaa Lee - 03:14:00



When I was in high-school, I used to have a bad skin condition. I love doing outdoor activities like camping, marching, playing sports and others. Who knows a petite girl like me have a "Sarjan" title in marching? HAHAHA until today I'm still thinking how can I go through all that. I used not to wash my face for 2 days guys HAHAHA, what do you guys expect when camping tho? 

When I was 13-15 years old, I never knew about skincare. The only skincare that I used at that time was only faced cleanser from Biore HAHAHA and my mom moisturizer. I didn't know what is acne scar serum and so on. My mom never had critical acne problem so she just suggested me whatever products that she used. I'm the eldest child so I have no big sister to guide me about skincare like how I guide my 2 little sisters today. 

I never had self-confidence & always thought that I'm the ugliest person in high school & other girls are way prettier than I am. Most of my friends have a fair skin and boys always had a crush on them. Oh, by the way, most Malays in my high school always thought that pretty girls need to have fair and flawless skin, soft-spoken & must wear hijab. It doesn't matter for them if those girls are stupid or bad because they are FAIR AND FLAWLESS AND WEAR HIJAB! For them, it is a PACKAGE as a PRETTY GIRL.

Girls who have tanned skin or skin full of acne won't be categorized as pretty enough and whoever didn't wear hijab will be categorized as SLUT or BAD GIRL even you have a brain or smart ass, they did not bother at ALL. Most of the Malay students have this mindset "Tudung or Hijab is everything. Without wearing it, you are totally a bad person".

Sounds like I'm overreacting towards my high school but this is the REALITY about MALAY high school that have DISCIPLINE & ATTITUDE issues. 
My father is a businessman so he was always busy with work and didn't have time to pick me up from school or whatsoever, so I just when to the high school near to my house. So, don't ask me why I didn't enter a good school.

Okay, let's continue.

People used to call me "girls with rabbit teeth" because I'm not "pretty". 
 So, when you're ugly & have guy friends, people will label you as bad girls. Why? Because you're ugly. So ugly is equivalent to slut, and worse is when you're not wearing hijab. 

But, if you're pretty and have lots of guy friends or scandal, doesn't matter. Why? Because "she's PRETTY". 

Some of my schoolmates thought that I'm a "rempit". Why? Because I like to eat at Mamak with my family plus me, my siblings and my mom did not wear HIJAB! 
The worse part that I can't forget until today is when most of my BOY SCHOOLMATES thought that my siblings and my mom is a type of person that VERY SOCIAL. Why? Because for them when a FATHER or HUSBAND does not bother about their family "Aurat/Aurah" it is a GREEN LIGHT for them to do something bad. I know that in Islam we need to cover our "Aurat/Aurah", but doesn't mean people that do not cover their "Aurat/Aurah" deserve/have to be treated like SLUT or ANYTHING BAD! This is so WRONG!

 Yes, I admit, I used to be naughty and I skipped classes in high school, but people make mistakes&we learn from that. 

I'm such an ambitious girl, so whenever I saw an opportunity I would definitely grab it. But most of my school friends labelled me as "Gila kuasa" or "Queen Control". Why? Because I'm ugly. So, when you are ugly everything that you are doing is totally WRONG. But I just did whatever I want to do but of course, I felt sad deep inside me. Anyway, I believe in God faith.

I still remember when most of my girl-friends are wearing hijab but I'm the only person who didn't wear it & one of my friends asked me " when are you going to wear hijab" & I swear at that time I felt like they tried to tease me. I know they underestimate me at that time. Why? Because I'm not pretty plus I'm not wearing a HIJAB. 

I still remember when Asraf admit that he likes me and blah blah blah. Feel stupid at that time because we were just a friends. Oppss sorry we actually a close friend just like BFF. So, whenever he had a problem I am the one that he looking for. The best part is, I know and remember all his ex-girlfriends name HAHAHA.  Okay at that time, I was like "just be a friend" so he was okay. But the saddest part is, most of his friends didn't like me. Why? Because they think Asraf is a good looking and handsome boy and me? Ugly looking girls. Why? Because I did not have a fair and flawless skin plus do not wear Hijab. 

Okay, let's move on to my Hijab story. Why I'm wearing it?

First, it is not because of ASRAF, but I want too. I feel like, I want to be a new me. I want to change to be a better person. I want to be a different person. Second, umm maybe it is because of fashion and dUCk scarves HAHAHA. Guys, don't take my statement seriously okay. Different person, different perspective okay!?

 So, lots of things happened during my high school, there are good & bad memories. 
After SPM I decided to disappear&avoid all the negative people. It is hard for me to do so but I have too. I tried to find myself, to find what am I going to do & keep on track back. I know, sounds cruel but I have too! Even some of them are nice to me but I have too. If I don't do something, I will be forever a loser. 

After 3 years I kept myself away&silent, alhamdullilah, I build my self-confidence back, I try to do what I love without hear about what others people going to say & I be more firm&bold. I don't care if people want to hate me or like me. I am who I am and nobody going to change me unless for a good reason and purpose.

Now I realize, beauty is not about how your appearance or face looks like but it is how you bring yourself to the public.  It's about your self CONFIDENCE, your KNOWLEDGE & your BRAIN. The way you talk, the way you walk & the way you present yourself. 

KNOWLEDGE doesn't mean you need to have a CERTIFICATE, DEGREE or MASTER even an experience is a knowledge and working is a knowledge too. 

So, if you still feel that you're ugly or people keep bullying you, remember this,
at the end, you going to be on your own and people won't bother you anymore. Just do whatever you want to do, believe in God faith and be yourself.
If you have the opportunity to change and be a better person, go for it. Don't wait or listen to people. We deserve whatever we want and dream for.

I post this story on my blog is not because I want to become famous or find publicity, but I want to inspire girls out there to become braver and don't rely on what people are saying. I swear high school was a nightmare because I lost my track, I used to be a girl who doesn't have any confidence inside her, a girl that hates studying, a girl who hates gaining any knowledge and a girl who hates herself because people keep saying that she's ugly.

This is the true story of myself. So, from now onward the word UGLY never exists in my life ANYMORE. All girls in this world are PRETTY.

If any of you girls faced the same issues like I do, feel free to share with me on my Instagram @iqaalee_ or leave a comment down below.

Thank you.

Love,
Iqaa Lee.

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